Christmas Eve

Dec 23rd. Christmas Eve Eve.

I ventured out today- patch and dressing as much a part of my attire as my boots.

It wasn’t a long outing, my friend kindly washed and dried my hair which is a luxury I know. I popped into my optician and walked out with some contact lenses for my right eye, the one without the tumour that’s struggling to cope with all the looking! My glasses aren’t doing a great job and certainly don’t fit wonderfully over any patch.

Minor adjustments one may say, baby steps. One day at a time may be reduced to each minute for a while.

So the dressings off. It looks horrific! 3 very brave children and my husband all staring at my gory eyeball. It’s swollen, incredibly bloodshot and half closed with a gentle yellow hue of bruising all around the the socket and down to my cheek. Whilst they are determining which drops go in at which time and in what order I am aware that I do have a modicum of double vision. Looking at my hand, I have a silhouetted shadow hand approximately 2” below and to the left of it. It’s all quite off putting and coupled with the blurry vision is scary to be honest.

I thought about my work today. My intricate work that I do with my hands using precision. Shit! I can’t see!!!! I know, early days, but wow, a million what if I can’t questions come flooding in.

I do still feel quite calm about the whole cancer thing. I guess what will be will be and I’ve proved time and time again in my life that nothing we do will ever change what happens next.

I’m more affected by the slightly broken mother figure I am right now. I will try and rectify this quickly though. No heroics- just simple healing.