A Brief Look at Now.

Normal has never really been a word that I, or anyone close to me, has used to describe my life. Feeling oddly clearer about all this cancer malarkey- it basically is what it is and there’s bugger all anyone can do about it to be honest as it’s clearly transparent that no-one knows for sure what the best thing to do is! So monitoring programme it is. Every 3 months, a contrast MRI to my liver, detailing anything that may have decided to park and ride on it, 6 monthly nuclear fall out scans to observe the rest of my internal belongings and regular blood tests to check every level possible. Oh and not to forget the additional trips to various specialists to check the ever increasing catalogue of errors that present themselves that can’t be ignored now. My GP asked me for a breakdown of who I was seeing for what part of me and what treatment plan each section has. I laughed and as yet haven’t hired a P.A to assist me with my ridiculous schedule of appointments and updates. New job title..... full time patient! My eye, the primary source of this journey, still has to undergo further surgery at some point. I have opted for post holiday though. They are hopeful that the double vision can be corrected by tweaking the muscles that were cut for the radiotherapy plaque insertion. Sounds simple, and I’m sure it probably is, but having had to have my ‘dissolvable’ stitches removed from my eye manually after 4 months with the comment from my Ocular oncologist that he’d never seen that before, I go forth with a small amount of dread that each new procedure comes with more than the average persons contra-indications. It’s becoming apparent that living with a series of conditions/disorders/diseases that when put together have enough initials to resemble a hieroglyphic alphabet is not an ideal situation. So there’s OM, hEDS, MCAD, OA, FA, and more. I never actually wanted letters after my name or I’d have gone to on to higher education in the first place! Outside of my medical compound, I’m pleased to say that life is carrying on as normal, new normal. There’s plenty of hiccups involved as I have bad days. Both emotionally and physically. And then there’s the appointments getting in the way of things too. I did think that when I began my monitoring programme it would be easier to block out the times required, but I forgot about all the additional crap I need sorting too! I’ve had a couple of total meltdowns in what were completely ordinary situations. I’ve just crumpled to an emotional waif as occasional waves of realisation tornado into my thoughts. Looking outside of myself I very much have to appreciate the now. It’s when I look back, which I know isn’t advisable (mind you looking forward isn’t the easiest either), but I do look back at myself and remember something, something small like a joke shared in similar circumstances before my diagnosis, and it makes me sad that I really am not that same person. Well I am, but I’m not. It’s unexplainable, odd. On a positive note, my first set of routine monitoring scans show no cause for alarm and I will progress on with managing the eye and vision between now and the next set. Oh and getting my hands and make up brushes stuck in to a Royal Wedding!